Spiritual Matters

Some recent conversations have challenged me to think about my current claim of being an atheist. I always considered the term to be appropriate, but I recently discovered that other people have a different definition of the term than I was using. You see, my own definition was cenetered around the concenpt of "One who does not believe in God", which jives with the dictionary definition, but once again I have been reminded that we don't all define words the same way, since withing this simple definition lurks a bit of potential ambiguity.

The fact that God is capitalized indicates that we are talking about the single-god theory of the universe, which in American (and much of western) culture tends to aim people's mind at Christianity. I resolved my internal conflicts about belief in that system a while back, which is why I came to claim the atheist moniker.

Even then I felt that the term might not be strong enough, as reflected in one of my email quotes (I have a program that inserts them randomly) which is:

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?".

-- Quentin Crisp

I hadn't even considered that the atheist moniker would conjure up notions that I was no longer curious about the mysteries of the Universe. Where do we come from? Where are we going? What is the purpose of my life? What happens when we die? How do I integrate spiritual experiences into my world view?

I still explore these, but I feel that my time is best spent on roads other than the christian one. I've followed that one far enough to know it is not for me. I've had as many spiritual experiences in a few months of meditation classes as I have spending nearly 25 years in church.

I see christianity and many other religions the same way now. A set of good underlying principles: Treat people the way you want to be treated, etc. They work and have been time-tested. I just don't give much credence to the "why" that they supply.

My interest in physics was inspired by the idea that through progressive study one could come to understand how the universe works. Wow, what a powerful and seductive idea! I think much of the popular culture's interest in physics is related to the same romantic notion: that a science which is so successful at controlling and predicting things must have some deeper answers and meaning.

I still love physics. There is so much that is beautiful and fascinating there, yet what I ultimately found in terms of spirituality was not what I thought I would find. You see, I realized that I was looking for a concrete answer to the questions that start with "Why". The deeper you get into physics, the more you realize that you have to let go of that notion.

Quantum mechanics has no "why", or for that matter even "how". It deals with things like "when", "where", and "how much". The second you try to ascribe a deeper meaning (i.e. an explanation to the question "why does it work that way?") a contradiction arises. You are left with a series of equations that work and can be tested over and over again, but the more you dig the more you find things that are not what you wanted in terms of philosophy.

It's actaully a lovely parallel to the idea of faith. Someone tells you the equations are true. You work a couple of problems and see that it works. This builds up into a belief system. I believe the equations work. Over years and years of re-applying the same principles and equations you build up an abiding faith that the equations are true, and pass that along to someone else.

Yet underneath it all the fact remains: you don't know why. The universe just works the way it works.

Perhaps this in itself is some indication that there are higher powers than ourselves. We ascribe a high value to our notion of intelligence and cognition because it sets us apart, yet even with this stunning ability we fail to grasp the "why" of it all. We seek to expand our minds in the hope that all will suddenly become clear. We sometimes follow those who claim or appear to know the way because we have not found it ourselves.

So in the end I'm happy seeking a better understanding of myself and how I affect the lives of others. Sometimes that quest happens through interaction with things that are considered spiritual. I've had wonderful experiences outdoors (my first trip to the Redwoods was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life). I've had very interesting experiences in meditation. More often I find that I gain better insight through conversations with people.

In any case, if it integrates well with my life and makes me happier, then I integrate it. If not, I leave it be. Perhaps someone else has a use for it.

So now I'm back to terminology. I tend to dislike the term agnostic, because to me it has christian overtones (or maybe it's just that it encourages christians to "help you" make up your mind). But now I realize that the term atheist may be too strong.

One of my favorite Monty Python skits involves this crazy executive who sequentially fires people around a table, first for liking his idea and being a "yes man", then for saying that his ideas are bad, then for being indecisive. Then he comes to the fourth man:

Larry	Right you. The one in the middle, what do you think?
Second Writer	(panic) Er... er...
Larry	Come on!
Second Writer	Splunge.
Larry	Did he say splunge?
First and Third Writers	Yes.
Larry	What does splunge mean?
Second Writer	It means ... it's a great-idea-but-possibly-not-and-I'm-not-being-indecisive!

I think when someone asks me about religion, perhaps I should stick with "splunge". It's sort of like being agnostic, without the western religious overtones.